What Confidence Really Is (and What It Isn’t)
Chapter 1: What Confidence Really Is
(and What It Isn’t)
What if the key to unlocking your child's confidence isn’t talent, but the belief that they can shape their own success?
Welcome to our deep dive into what truly makes children confident. Whether you’re a parent, a coach, or a teacher, you’ve probably witnessed a moment when a child hovers on the brink of a new challenge—like a gymnastics vault, a challenging homework assignment, or simply speaking up in class. Is it sheer talent that pushes them forward, or something deeper?
Many assume confidence is about “always feeling capable,” but genuine confidence is rooted in two core beliefs:
I can influence my environment (personal responsibility).
I am fundamentally valuable (self-worth).
Add in hope—the sense that tomorrow can be better because you can do something about it—and you have a recipe for remarkable perseverance and resilience.
A Tale of Two Gymnasts: Mia and Bella
Let’s start with an example from a gymnastics class. Mia and Bella are both eight years old, facing a new vault technique. Mia takes a bold sprint, leaps off the board—but her landing is clumsy, and she tumbles onto the mat. Undeterred, she gets up, brushes herself off, and quietly tells herself, “If I fix my run-up, I can land this.” She believes her actions can lead to improvement, so she’s already planning her next attempt.
Bella, by contrast, slows down before she even hits the board, certain that no matter what she does, she’ll fail. She stumbles off the side, frustrated. In her mind, it’s all pointless: if she doesn’t think she can influence her outcome, why try?
Mia holds onto personal responsibility and hope—she recognizes her efforts can change the outcome next time. Bella hasn’t developed that mindset yet. For her, fear overrides the belief that her actions matter.
Personal Responsibility, Hope, and Self-Worth
When we talk about “confidence,” we often reference resilience, grit, or a growth mindset. But at the heart of all those traits is the recognition that:
Personal Responsibility: “I can do something about this.”
Hope: “Because of that, tomorrow might be better.”
Self-Worth: “I’m valuable enough to keep trying—even if I fail along the way.”
Some children ground their self-worth in faith, believing they’re made in the image of God and thus have divine purpose. Others simply grow up knowing they matter because they exist. Whichever the approach, a strong sense of worth shields them from the sting of failure.
The Rat Experiment (240 Times Longer)
In a famous study, Dr. Curt Richter placed rats in water. Initially, these rats gave up and drowned within mere minutes, acting as though they believed there was no way to change their environment or escape. Then, when Richter allowed new rats in the same situation the chance to climb out—even briefly—and placed them back in, something changed: those rats swam up to 240 times longer than the original group.
The key takeaway is that once the rats realized they had some ability to alter their fate, they didn’t give up nearly as fast. A tiny spark of hope—that “I can change this or keep going”—extended their endurance dramatically.
Connecting It to Kids
From Agency to Hope: Like those rats, a child who believes “I can do something about this challenge” gains hope, which is a powerful motivator.
Hope Fuels Persistence: Rather than abandoning the vault or a tough school project, the child sees a reason to keep trying.
Why Self-Worth Matters: If a child feels valuable (due to faith or simply being human), they’re more likely to conclude, “I’m worth the effort. I’ll give it another shot.”
What Confidence Looks Like
Action-Oriented Mindset: Children facing a tough situation think, “Let me try a different angle,” rather than surrendering.
Hope-Fueled Persistence: They believe each new attempt could yield progress because they can influence the outcome.
Balanced View of Failure: They see missteps as part of learning, not an indictment of their worth.
Internal Locus of Control: They don’t wait for outside luck—they trust their own adjustments can create change.
What Confidence Isn’t
Fearlessness: Kids still feel anxious, but push forward anyway.
Instant Mastery: Genuine confidence tolerates repeated attempts and small improvements.
Arrogance or Bravado: Real confidence stays open to feedback and growth.
Dependent on External Help: Outside praise or assistance can encourage, but the child’s true fire comes from within—believing they can shift the course of events.
Back to Mia and Bella
Mia: By adjusting her stride, posture, and takeoff, she’s effectively telling herself, “I can climb out of this challenge.” That self-talk fosters hope: maybe this time she’ll land it well.
Bella: She sees no point in trying because, in her mind, there’s no difference her efforts can make. She’s missing that spark of hope and personal responsibility, which the rat experiment shows can multiply perseverance.
However, once Bella experiences even a small personal breakthrough—like perfecting her run-up or feeling a bit more balanced—she might realize, “I can control some aspects of this.” That shift in perspective can drastically change her persistence.
Practical Implementation (Summary & Concrete Steps)
How can parents, coaches, or mentors help children adopt Mia’s mindset?
1. Emphasize Personal Agency
Ask “What Can You Adjust?”: Guide them to identify small, concrete changes they can make.
Cheer On Attempts: Celebrate that they even tried a new strategy, regardless of the immediate result.
2. Foster Hope
Reflect on Small Wins: If they land a more stable vault, even once, remind them that their action made the difference.
Language of Possibility: Use phrases like “Let’s see what you can do next time” instead of “Let’s hope it works out.”
3. Reinforce Self-Worth
Faith-Based Approach: Remind them they’re made in God’s image, inherently precious and capable of growth.
Universal Approach: Affirm that being human makes them worthy of effort—failure doesn’t diminish their inherent value.
4. Draw Parallels to the Rat Experiment
No External Rescue: Emphasize that once the rats realized they had the ability to persist or climb out, they swam 240 times longer.
Kid-Friendly Talk: “Just like the rats discovered they weren’t trapped, you can also figure out ways to keep going.”
5. Model It Yourself
Talk Through Challenges: Let your kids see you approach problems by focusing on what you can change.
Celebrate Perseverance: If you witness them trying for the tenth time, highlight that tenacity as real confidence.
Key Takeaways
Agency Leads to Hope: Realizing “I can influence this situation” sparks hope, which radically extends persistence—just as it did for those rats.
Self-Worth Is Foundational: Knowing you’re valuable (through faith or basic dignity) helps buffer against fear of failure.
Confidence Is Internally Driven: Outside praise can help, but the strongest motivation comes from believing your own actions matter.
Mistakes Aren’t Identity: Confident children learn from errors without tying them to self-worth.
Steady Wins: Each small improvement—like Mia’s adjusted run-up—proves to a child that they can “climb out” of frustration and keep going.
Next Steps for Parents
“Daily Choice” Reflection: At dinner, ask your child about one choice they made that influenced their day—good or bad.
Mini-Goal Strategy: Encourage them to set a tiny target for a skill or subject they’ve been struggling with, then note how their effort led to any change.
Affirm Their Value: Whether it’s “You’re precious to God” or “You matter no matter what,” remind them that trying or failing doesn’t shake their worth.
Rat Experiment Analogy: Revisit the story periodically to reinforce that realizing you can do something fosters powerful hope.
Share Your Stumbles: Offer personal anecdotes about how you tackled a difficult task through your own initiative and how it changed the outcome.
Closing Thoughts
Confidence blossoms when kids realize they can make a difference—no matter how small—because that realization fuels hope. Couple that with a sturdy sense of self-worth (rooted in faith or human dignity), and children have an inner wellspring of motivation. Like the rats that discovered they weren’t stuck after all, once a child sees they can “climb out” of a challenge, they’ll carry that resilience across sports, academics, and life itself.
Our next chapter explores self-esteem in greater depth: how it interplays with personal responsibility and hope to form a rock-solid foundation for children’s growth. Stay tuned!
